Never read your teenage diary again. The hormones. The agony. The pure adolescent evil and self-delusion are utterly disenchanting and will rob you of your joy for at least a half an hour.
Thank you for marrying me even though you knew me when I was a teenager.
Thank you for not banishing me to a dragon-infested tower. I know why they do that now.
Your Oldest Child
You are not allowed to be teenagers. EVER!
Dear Oldest Child,
The opposition has got to stop. You don't have to say NO out of principle. You should at least save that for your adolescence, which, as noted in the previous memo, you will be skipping.
-the frustrated tall one who makes all of your food, clothes you, reads you stories and generally behaves like your personal slave.