Alternate titles for this post:
What not to do in an elevator with your superhero
How to be an idiot if your alter-ego is named Rowena
Book of a Thousand Regrets
The Chicken Girl
This weekend we were in northern Utah at a family reunion, and on Saturday morning my sister-in-law and I went to IKEA. After discovering the perfect head for Alex's robot, we got in the elevator to go down and pick up the lampshade. I went in the elevator, and to my shock, awe, dismay, and delight Shannon Hale, her husband Dean, and her daughter Magnolia stepped in behind us.
I was overcome.
I was overcome with joy! My hero! The literary love of my life, the idol of all of my writer's hero-worship was trapped in an elevator with me! I had just recently been plotting what I would say if I ever met her. My heart filled with emotion at the thought of how I LOVED that last book. My brain raced.
Should I say, "I love your work?" That would be an unoriginal inside joke, from The Actor and the Housewife. Should I say nothing and respect her privacy as the fabulous super-star celebrity I esteem her to be? My mind cast about for something clever, original, witty... Nothing. Should I just out her, and ask if everyone in the elevator knows that we are in the presence of greatness, my favorite author, the greatest writer in the United States and probably the world? Maybe I should have just bowed down and told her how much I worship her in her authorial awesomeness.
"Um, someone has to push the button, if we want the elevator to go down. That would probably be you," said a nice lady, bringing me back down to the earth, where many days I reside.
"Oh," I said, thinking, That's because I want to trap us all in here for an hour because a paragon of brilliance and wonder is standing right there, and I want to hang out with her. Instead, I said, "Oh, yes, of course. I only shop here about once a year." Truth be told I only ride an elevator about once a year, and the technical details of the ride are generally attended to by my sweet husband. For crying out loud, what woman can be expected to think of something like an elevator button when Shannon Awesome Freaking Hale is on the elevator with her!
And I said nothing to her.
I will never let myself live this down. I am a weak cheese sauce lame shy housewife.