24 February 2010

Mommy Math

The amount of time it takes a mom to drift off to sleep is always = the amount of time it takes a small child to achieve boredom or hunger that requires maternal attention.

The number of toys on the floor increases exponentially as the number of small children in the house increases.

The number of times children will wake up in the night is directly related to how many hours of sleep the mother needs in order to face the coming day.

The number of times you can tell a child not to spill the crayons again is MUCH MUCH > the number of times a child can spill the crayons. Again.

A mother's blood pressure rises in direct relation to how much time before an event she gives the small children to put on their shoes, socks, and coats by themselves.

If children ate half the number of vegetables they throw on the floor each day, the other half could feed many hungry Africans. If children ate all of the vegetables they throw on the floor each day, all serious diseases would be eradicated in the United States due to increased good nutrition.

The number of minutes spent writing a blog post may be directly related the number of minutes per day in which a mother feels happy and sane. Happy/sane levels also depend on the number of times her children awoke in the middle of the night and the number of hours of sleep she received. Also indirectly related to the happiness level of a mother are the numbers of crayons, toys, and vegetables on the floor and the quality of the novels she has read in the last week at any given time.

And by "Mother" I mean me.


angela michelle said...

This post is your masterpiece. #1 is so, so true maddeningly true.

There's also some kind of equation to explain the correlation between Mom's sanity/serenity and the interval of children's requests/bickerings. Sanity plummets when requests occur at anything more than 90 second intervals.

Marie Says Yes said...

amen, sister. amen.

Jesse said...

Man that last line threw me. I had no idea it was coming ;)

Linz said...


Jillybean said...

Here's another one.
The number of times that you tell your 3 year old to stop leaning on the screen door will equal the number of stitches he will get in his chin when the screen breaks and he falls face first onto the cement patio.
Hang in there, eventually everyone will sleep all night long, be potty trained and be able to buckle themselves up in the car.

Trigger said...

Luke has an uncanny ability to sense when I finally crawl into bed and/or just drift off to sleep. He chooses that moment to wake up screaming at least three or four times a week.

It sounds like you need to spend more time blogging/reading/fabric shopping/eating pie.

Lindsey said...

Oh, that must be the "new" math!!!!
Lindsey Petersen

FabFrugalFood said...

Yes! I agree! Blogging = sanity.

Anonymous said...

All so very, very true. Except (and I'm a little slow with math) do you mean you tell them not to spill the crayons more times than they spill the crayons? Oh wait, maybe I do get it: You tell them not to spill the crayons lots of times, but they still do it. I was thinking that my kids spill crayons more times than I can tell them not to. So I guess mine would have to be: The number of naughty things my kids do is > the warnings and threats I can think to make. Also, the messes and incomplete tasks around here = ∞.

KimJohnson said...

Seriously! Ditto!!!!