18 July 2010

Perspectives on Sleep

Alex's Perspective

Alex: [quietly coughs shivers quietly, suffering insomnia in silence.]

Jen: COULD YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?! I AM TRYING TO SLEEP HERE!

Alex: Sorry, Honey, it's just so hot in here. [sweating in the sweltering heat, turns the air conditioning down ten degrees or so to a completely reasonable temperature—probably about 90 degrees.]

Jen: THIS HOUSE IS LIKE AN IGLOO! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, FREEZE ME TO DEATH IN MY BED? [breathes fire and smoke billows from her ears] GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH! [slap!]

Alex: Is there a quilt I can use somewhere, sweetie?

Jen: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOO HOT!? YOU CANNOT TOUCH ANY OF MY QUILTS. THEY ARE IN THE BABY'S BEDROOM AND YOU WILL DIE A THOUSAND PAINFUL DEATHS IF YOU WAKE HIM. SLEEP OUTSIDE!

Jen's Perspective

Alex: [Intentionally rolls around, coughs loudly, shuffles covers, yanking sheets, purposely trying to rob his saintly wife of the few precious hours of uninterrupted sleep that a harried, yet beautiful young mother manages to eke from her bleak existence]

Jen: Honey, is there anything I can do to help you fall asleep?

Alex: No, I'm just a BURNING to DEATH. [turns air conditioning down to the temperature of a butcher's fridge and commits other treasonous acts against sleeping humanity]

Jen: [ shivers quietly as she muffles a whimper in her pillow, which is cold from wet tears] I'm so glad we have an air conditioner that can help you sleep, my poor, exhausted husband. Don't worry. I'll take care of the kids if they wake. And if you're still asleep in the morning, I'll take your shift at the factory for you. Would you like your eggs fried or scrambled when you awaken?

Alex: [slurring his words as he drifts off into a witless dream] Whatever hon, just don't shiver so loud like you did LAST night. . . snooooooooooore. . .

12 comments:

Kevin M. said...

And thus camping was invented.

Linz said...

I believe Michael and I have had that exact same conversation(s). He seriously keeps our room at like 40 degrees at night. I have to sleep with two blankets in July. It's so wrong.

Kate said...

The endless battle.

Pamy and I actually used to have this battle when we were roomates. She would keep the fan on & I'd sneak and turn it off in the night. She swore she would wake up sweating bullets and turn it back on.

It got to the point where we were both hiding the fan remote from eachother. ;)

amy said...

Kate's version and Pamy's version are identical. Except Kate neglected to mention that we were living in HAWAII.

This post is uniquely hilarious. Butcher's fridge!

sammygrace said...

I laughed out loud. i liked this post. u funny.

Tigger said...

ha ha ha ha!
The joys of sleeping with another. :)

The Yoder's Four said...

Blessed, blessed refrigerated air....last year when I was pregnant during the summer, I kept this place in meat locker status, and for once Mark (who gives off 1,000 degrees of radiant heat) was complaining that it was too cold. I do keep a throw blanket on the foot of our bed to use when I'm the one freezing to death.

The Rookie said...

Like.

Carolina mama said...

Define sleep. I may or may not have experienced it.

Marie Says Yes said...

muh-ha-ha

msjvd said...

Ro,
I am starting to feel abandoned here. It's been 7 days. Come back to us.
Please?

mommy princess said...

This is the best post ever! I liked the painful death part the best;)